Start with yourself
When someone is upset, it is natural to feel anxious, frustrated or defensive.
Before responding, take a moment to slow yourself down.
Try to:
- take a slow breath
- lower your voice
- speak calmly and clearly
- slow your pace
- keep your body relaxed
People often take cues from those around them. Your calm can help create a sense of safety for the other person. This reflects the trauma-informed principle of staying calm and grounded rather than reacting emotionally.
Listen before you solve
When someone is distressed, they don’t usually need immediate solutions.
They often need to feel heard first.
Try to:
- listen without interrupting
- let them tell their story
- focus on understanding rather than fixing
- avoid jumping into advice
You don’t need to have all the answers.
Sometimes simple statements such as:
- “That sounds really difficult.”
- “I can see this is affecting you.”
- “Thanks for sharing that with me.”
can help someone feel understood.
Acknowledge their feelings
You don’t have to agree with someone’s behaviour or decisions to acknowledge how they are feeling.
You might say:
- “I can see you’re frustrated.”
- “That sounds upsetting.”
- “It makes sense that you’re feeling overwhelmed.”
Acknowledging feelings is not the same as agreeing with everything someone says. It simply shows that you are listening and trying to understand their experience.
Avoid telling people to ‘calm down’
When emotions are high, phrases such as:
- “Calm down.”
- “You’re overreacting.”
- “It’s not that bad.”
- “Just get over it.”
can make people feel dismissed or misunderstood.
Instead, focus on listening, validating and creating space for the person to express themselves. The original de-escalation resource specifically notes that telling someone to “calm down” is often unhelpful and that calm should be demonstrated through your own behaviour.
Use grounding techniques
Sometimes a person may feel overwhelmed by strong emotions, racing thoughts or stress.
Grounding techniques can help bring attention back to the present moment.
You could encourage the person to:
- take a few slow breaths
- notice their feet on the ground
- focus on things they can see, hear or feel around them
- step outside for fresh air
- take a short walk
- have a glass of water
You can also do these things alongside them.
The aim is not to ignore their feelings, but to help reduce overwhelm so they can think more clearly.
Reduce pressure and distractions
If possible, try to:
- move to a quieter space
- reduce noise and interruptions
- give the person time to gather their thoughts
- keep conversations simple and clear
When people are overwhelmed, too much information can feel difficult to process. Keeping things simple can help.
